Fully Armed Against Change

Thanks for stopping by. Today I’d like to talk about guns. Wait, where are you going? Don’t worry, I’m not going to write an editorial on why we need better gun control. I’ve heard people voice opinions either way but I’ve yet to hear a single person say, “I just can’t seem to make up my mind on the issue. I wish someone would come along to write a blog". 

And there are more interesting things to talk about. Like why do we have so many guns anyway?

I grew up in a town with more cows than people (although I’m not sure if this oft repeated claim was ever confirmed by a census taker, so it might have just been jealousy fueled slander from those East Windsor losers) and while the “hilarious” Smellington moniker seemed a bit exaggerated and immature, it’s quite true that at certain times of the year, the smell of cow manure was an everyday olfactory reality. America is the only major country on earth with more guns than people. And while the smell of gunfire isn’t on every street corner, we do have more gun violence than other 1^st world countries. Just as with cows there comes cow shit, with more guns does there come more gun violence? I’ll meet many gun owners half way and borrow from Lynard Skynard: “Oooo that smell, can’t you smell that smell? The smell that’s around you”.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s a coincidence. But either way guns are to America what cows are to Ellington. Dairy farming accounts for the cows, but what accounts for our abnormal accumulation and possessive clinging to guns in the face of even perceived threats to maybe, possibly, potentially take them away?

Again, in the hopes of being as non-political as possible, let’s not talk about the NRA, or Ted Cruz, Smith, or Wesson. I think the issue possibly has more to do with gender anyway. And possibly race. According to my exhaustive research (Google’s top search selection) white males make up 31 percent of the population but they make up 61 percent of gun owners. They are also the most likely to staunchly barricade themselves against any proposed change to gun laws. It’s practically a special interest issue. No, they aren’t the only gun lovers out there (evidenced by the 2001 hip hop classic "My Dogz Iz My Gunz" by Sticky Fingaz—amongst countless other joints) but if those 31 percent and their political champions in Congress were not given any say in the matter, we would probably have much stricter gun laws tomorrow. Or soon afterwards. Gun non-control almost seems like white males’ last stand.

Because what else do we know about white males? A demographic yours truly belongs to. (Though I can’t claim to be nearly as manly as I am white. I would need to be Mr. Universe to balance that scale). White males used to rule America. Before 2008 not a single President wasn’t white. England had a queen for decades in the 16^th Century (when English royals weren’t just gossip TV stars) but we, the country that has always taken pride in our inclusiveness, had none. We, the country that declared “all men are created equal”. Oh wait……I see the problem there. For a country that has been so progressive in other ways, we’ve really been shockingly conservative and even backwards in our gender and racial roles.

But that’s all changing. We have a (half) black President, we have a female, African American, and Latino Republican candidate. Non-Hispanic Whites are at an all time low 63 percent of the total population and falling. Women represent 60 percent of Bachelor’s Degree recipients. Men represent 90 percent of the prison population. (To paraphrase Chris Rock, guys like to keep it real. Reeeeeal dumb). White males are so 1945. My grandfather, who let me just was not really a racist as far as I knew but mostly a product of a very pre-politically correct generation, used to like to joke, “Black is beautiful, tan is grand, but white’s the color of the Big Boss Man”. Not anymore.   

But assault on white male virility and independence (or at least the perception of it) doesn't stop there. Not by a long shot! If you haven’t heard about the “pussification of America” you probably don’t have a social media account. Everything is now much more about inclusion, diversity, sensitivity, multiculturalism….exactly the sort of stuff no one bothered with when one group had a monopoly on all the power. While political correctness often seems guilty of overreach to me (it’s not only wrong to say offensive things, it’s wrong to say inoffensive things that someone might misinterpret as offensive) it does seem to be an inevitable offshoot of a country in which power and prestige is increasingly shared by many groups, not just pale people with a penis. (Nope. I’m not deleting that because alliteration is classy). Political correctness is a subtle, constant reminder that the once mighty Pale King has had to (partially) abdicate his throne. It's almost as if before 2008, the Magna Carta hadn't been even drafted yet to fully challenge this statistical minority group's centuries long exclusive dominance. 

And because white males dominated for so long, amongst many there crept in an almost unconscious assumption: said dominance was not due to an unnatural manipulation of opportunities and education but rather due to their naturally superior strength and intellect. It’s not that these folks necessarily hated women or people of color….it’s just that they believed they just weren’t as naturally qualified as they were to run things. God and Darwin's will, don't you see? Now let me get that door for you.... So I think to some eyes, our new paradigm is not the fulfillment of the promise of inclusion that we’ve always claimed to believe in, but an unnatural corruption of the pitiless but unavoidable laws of nature. America’s favorite casino owner wants to “make America great again” but considering his stances on Mexicans and Muslims and his particular vitriol for Carly Fiorina, isn’t The Donald's secret Impossible (Pipe) Dream actually to make America more firmly white and male again? A return to a supposed lost paradise where no one asks you to "marque dos" for Espanol and the Carly Fiorina’s of the world are running Tupperware parties, not high tech companies?    

                

But this is about guns. And the question is does anything I just said relate to the gun issue? It’s impossible to say or prove, but my theory is….maybe. (I would make a terrible propagandist). The traditional iconic virile American male is the cowboy, the soldier, the cop, the gangster. All of them are packin’. Guns are the ultimate phallic symbol of power (either that or I’ll never trust a Kiss song lyric again). Guns aren't gender neutral, they aren't transgender, they are the most truly masculine of machines. So deep down, does the whole gun issue come down to this: you can make us attend Sensitivity Training, you can make us go to Bed Bath and Beyond, we will even change diapers, but don’t even think about taking away our gunshow loophole!

(BTW, Gunshow Loophole would make a pretty good punk band name).  

Of course what do I know? I’m no alpha white male. It was only with a sense of great moral ambiguity that I rooted for the Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Danny Ainge, and Bill Walton Celtics of the 80’s. It it wasn't for Robert Parish and Dennis Johnson I would have felt like I was rooting for a Klan chapter. I was the kid who loved Guns n’ Roses but also wondered if instead of saying “back off, bitch!”, perhaps Axl Rose should have said, “back off, miss!”. I mean….isn’t any relationship a two way street? I’m a disgrace to every red blooded, pickup driving, gun toting white male in this country. In the past year and a half I’ve drank more green tea than I care to admit. I've learned that quiche is actually pretty good. I always have to shave my beard when I grow it because I start to scare myself in the mirror. I applied for my Man Card and it came back riddled with bullet holes and DENIED stamped on it with a recommendation to eat a steak, watch a spaghetti Western, and start a hedge fund.

But even a non manly-man like me has been known to worry about his masculinity. I say I'm not a bro, not a jock, so I don't care. But I'm lying. Why did I develop such a sharp sense of humor? Is that a form of aggressiveness in lieu of becoming an outside linebacker? I may not be a bro, but I’m no flower child either. Would I be if I wasn’t so afraid of being seen as a total wimp? I don’t know. But even the flower child guys of the hippie era were thrusting their chests out too against war mongering fascists in the government, etc. Guys are always trying to show you how tough they are! Some feel tough by having guns, some feel tough by not having guns. But maybe if everyone figured out how to be less tough we have less things we needed to be tough about? And maybe if fewer people had guns fewer people would need guns to feel protected from others who have guns? It’s a vicious cycle that’s spun in the wrong direction but it can spin the other way too. Don’t ask me how—again, I’m just a jerk with a blog.

Or we just need to stop thinking in overly dramatic absolutes? Yes, white males now have to share things where they once had a monopoly. But to hear some describe it, whites are on their way to becoming “second class citizens”. Settle down. Sharing is not slavery. And does trying to restrict the flow of guns reduce a country to an effeminate shell of itself? Canada has stricter gun control but they still have plenty of gun owners and their national sport involves skating up to guys and smashing them into the side of an ice rink and waiting to see if they punch you in the face. Do Canadians seem drained of their manhood to you? Those Canucks are no quiche eaters! (I'm pretending to forget Justin Bieber is Canadian--every rule has an exception). 

In conclusion, to my fellow white, male 31 percenters, our day of unchallenged glory is over. The frontier has been converted into a Pinkberry. The kids stopped listening to Weezer and started listening to Weezy. But it’s okay. Sharing is okay. And no gun will protect you from the power of political correctness, black Presidents and female sportscasters anyway, so why take it out on Bambi and Bernie? Maybe we don’t need guns to be powerful anyway. Maybe we just need love! Love is the answer! In fact didn’t Kiss so eloquently instruct on this issue 40 years ago when they wrote:

No place for hidin' baby
No place to run

You pull the trigger of my 

Love gun (Love gun)

Love gun (Love gun) 


I wonder if Imagine would have been a better song to quote.