“Never.”

 

“So…..um, it’s a nice day.”

 

“Yeah it turned out really nice.”

 

Clearly I was going to have to do all the work here.  

 

“What else are you up to today?”

 

“Well….I might take a nap. This is kind of early for me on a Saturday! What about you?”

 

“Well, after I go home and change, I’m going home for a bit and coming back tonight.”

 

“Do you…..want to do something later?”

 

“Okay!”

 

“I live in Carriage House 19-B.”

 

“Okay how about 7 o’clock?”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

My dad had just put in a new back deck and wanted to show it off, so I drove home.

 

Burgers on the grill. I hadn’t quite stopped eating meat through fear of a lifetime ban from Cow Town, USA.

 

‘The deck looks really nice, dad.”

 

“Yeah awesome, daddy”, my sister Charlotte said.

 

“Andrew helped me. He gets the credit!”

 

Andrew had just woken up and he was in his silent, sullen phase.

 

I drove to Vernon to see Debbie, my dance instructor since age 4. I worked with her on choreography over the summer.

 

“I’m trying to set up a new community theater in West Hartford. We’re still working on funding. I want you as one of my dancers, Clar!”

 

“I’d love that.”

 

“I’ll be in touch. Love you.”

 

“Love you.”

 

Maybe my career wasn’t completely over yet?

 

I drove back to Storrs with my mom’s three bags of leftovers. “You’re too skinny? Are you eating?” 

 

Colin’s door was open but I knocked anyway. 

 

“Hey! Come in!”

 

There was a chair two feet from the TV. The corner of an ashtray peeked out from under a stack of books on the shelf. Haphazardly arranged vacuumed lines spread across the carpet. I took a seat by the window.

 

“Hi Colin!” A girl poked her head in the door.” “Oh hi Clara!”

 

“Hi Kristin.”.

 

“You guys know each other?”

 

“We’re Delta Gamma sisters,” Kristin said.

 

I didn’t know her that well—she was always at her boyfriend’s.

 

“I just came by to feed Whisper. Stop by later if you like.”

 

“Okay,” Colin said.

 

How many girls hovered around him?

 

“Oh hi Colin!”

 

Here comes another one.  

 

“Hey Amira!”

 

“Oh, hi….Clara?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hi!”

 

“That’s it! Well just saying hi. Talk to you later!”

 

“So…what do you want to do?” he said.

 

“I don’t know. Any ideas?”

 

“Well…..I haven’t gone to the Dairy Bar this summer. Want to do that? Wait…..do you eat ice cream? Is that like against the law for dancers?”

 

“No!”

 

I didn’t tell him about my cow crisis. Was this to show what a reformed, innocent non-drinker he was? We drove down in my Miata. The Dairy Bar sat next to Horsebarn Hill and it resembled a red horsebarn itself. A green chalk board behind the counter displayed menu items.

 

“Do they have paper menus?” Colin asked.

 

“I don’t see any. I can read it off to you.”

 

“Do they have milkshakes?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I think I’ll have a chocolate shake.”

 

“I’ll get a strawberry.”  

 

We sat at a red table in the corner. The floors were red and white checkers.        

 

“Is it bad that I’ve gone to the Friendly’s on Route 195 more than here?” Colin said. “It’s like my roommate who gets Dominos instead of Sgt. Pepperoni.”

 

“Yeah I know what you mean. It’s like Friendly’s feels more like home even though they’re a chain because they had one in Rockville and that other one in Vernon.” 

 

“Yeah. Friendly’s is birthday parties and good report cards. What’s this place?” 

 

“We used to go there in high school every Friday night after dance.”

 

“First time I heard of you was when my friend Dan said you were hot one day when we were playing basketball. But I’m blind so I judge people only by their inner beauty.”

 

“Haha. My locker was six down from yours.”

 

“It was? In high school?” 

 

“What do you think? Yes.”

 

“Did you think wow that quiet, studious young man will never become a drunken college lunatic?”

 

“I had you pegged as pre-med. Maybe a future business leader of America.”

 

“So close. Did you take that class? Mrs. Cappadocia?”

 

“Yes. Talk about all business. No, actually I thought “Why does he look so serious?”

 

“Did I give that away? And I wanted everyone to think I was so hilarious.”

 

“You’re not going to say you were no Ben Aurbach?”

 

“I bit my tongue. I’m maturing right before your eyes, Clara.”

 

“Do you want to know why Ben and I broke up?”

 

“Other than he was a senior dating a freshman?”

 

“What’s so bad about that?”

 

“Ummm, I think that’s illegal in some states. Do you know what kids used to call the freshmen girls?”

 

“What?”

 

“Fresh meat.”

 

“Really?”

 

“And you wouldn’t say hey I just met our new classmates. You would say, “Hey have you seen any of the fresh meat?”. And the other dude says, “No, I haven’t had a chance to look at the menu.”

 

“Oh God.”

 

“Oh another one was, “Hey if there’s grass on the field…..”. Granted, guys say this stuff just to impress other guys.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?”

 

“I’m not sure. Might be the milkshake talking.” 

 

“Well, anyway, I was with Ben one night with Mark King and Julie Kenndy at Friendly’s and a baby at the next table held a menu up to his face and Ben said, ‘Hey look, it’s McDonough!’”

 

“Really?”

 

“I broke up with him a week later.”

 

“Really!?”

 

“Yes.”

 

There were other reasons but that was a factor…

 

“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. But you didn’t have to do that on my account. I’ve heard worse. But thanks! Is that why you keep giving me 2nd, 3rd, 20th chances? Like if you already ditched a boyfriend over me the investment better be worth it?” 

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

“Can I tell you something?”

 

 He took a big sip of his milkshake.

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

“I tell everyone I work in shipping. But I work in a sheltered workshop for the blind and not as a social worker. I sew patches on canvas bags all day. I get paid by the bag. Less than minimum wage. And I collect Social Security disability.” 

 

“Well it’s just temporary, right?”

 

“I hope so. But I’m afraid no one will hire me because of my eyes.”

 

“Don’t give up. I’m sure you will find another job.”

 

“Thanks. I hope so.”

 

“If it helps, I’m doing an internship at The Travelers this summer which I hate.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well the job itself is okay. I’m working in the IT department. But my boss is a creep.”

 

“Like he hits on you?”

 

“I guess you could say that.”

 

“What does he say?”

 

“I don’t want to say.”

 

“Oh now you have to say!”

 

“I mean…..he likes to talk about his girlfriend in front of us.”

 

“How?”

 

“I mean………….he said she has a nice ruby fruit jungle.”

 

“What?! Does that mean what I think it does?”

 

“I try not to think about it.”

 

“Is that all?”

 

“Well, he asked me what color underwear I was wearing.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I said I didn’t remember.”

 

“What a dirtbag. But what color is it toda—forget it, just kidding!”

 

“Ha.”

 

“Was that it?”

 

“Well………….then he told everyone he heard I shave my pubic hair like a mohawk.”

 

“WHAT!!!? This guy has a vivid imagination, I’ll give him that. Can’t he get, like, fired or something for that?”

 

“The other girls said he’s been talking like that for years and when they complain they told them to learn to take a joke. That’s just Andy.”

 

I took a sip from my shake.

 

“Jesus. Well I guess you’ve noticed that guys are assholes. Except me. I’m a saint. Except when I almost burn down buildings.”

 

“We had to call your RA Mike to help get you up.”

 

“Oh God. Don’t even tell me what I said, please.”

 

“I don’t know. It was pretty poetic.”

 

“Please kill me now. I didn’t use “ruby red” imagery, did I?”

 

“You said that too.”

 

“I didn’t really, did I?”

 

“You never know.”

 

“Mike came into my room the next day. He said everyone was worried about me. Said everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic and do I think that? And “I’m worried about you, man.” Forget it. I’m killing the mood. Never mind. I stick to milkshakes now! At least since last night.” 

 

Closing Time was playing.

 

“We’ve all said some silly things. One time at Christmas I told my sister Santa Clause wasn’t real. She was six.”

 

“Did she believe you?”

 

“She said no but it might have planted the seed.”

 

“Well better she hear it from you than on the street. Older siblings are mean.”

 

“I was nice!”

 

“Doubt it.”

 

“Who was your favorite teacher in high school?”

 

“Very clever of you to change the subject. Mary Fitzgerald. Never had Shirley. Mary told me I was a good writer and that we should use concrete imagery. You?”

 

“Mr. Pivetta. But then I was in dance and he was in theater so.”

 

“You don’t have to answer this, but did you invite anyone else at the party last night to come watch you dance?”

 

“No.”

 

I invited Rob. But I knew he wouldn’t come.  

 

“Poor Banana.”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“If you were named after a fruit, which one would you choose?”

 

“Well that question is a first. I don’t know. Apple? What about you?”

 

“Oh man. I guess I didn’t think ahead when I asked. A peach? Because a peach is me with a tan? That sucks. Maybe Banana is actually the only good fruit nickname. And it’s already taken. Do you think Banana wants to put—never mind.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Come on.”

 

“Nope I was about to make a terrible joke and while it might qualify me for a career in IT, I refuse to go any further. I’ve lost friends over less.”

 

“Well I’m honored you’ve decided to be such a gentleman.”

 

“That’s me. Just don’t ask around.”

 

“Too late.”

 

“So why are you switching your major?”

 

“Oh God. Long story. I love cows.”

 

“Who doesn’t?”

 

“No comment.”

 

“Remember when I bought you beer?”.

 

“I do.”

 

“I can’t believe I corrupted a minor like that. Move over, Ben Auerbach. Alcohol isn’t the answer, Clara.”

 

“That’s what you said every time you passed out in our hallway.”

 

“Wow. I just felt you girls needed a cautionary tale to drive home the message. You’re welcome.”

 

“What a life saver.”

 

“Please. Service is my reward.”

 

“I’m scared to graduate.”

 

“Yeah I was too. I’m the wrong guy to ask. I haven’t exactly adjusted to post-graduate life well so far. But you will do much better!”

 

“I think people don’t like you when you’re in your 20’s. They like kids because it’s like they live in a different universe entirely but when you enter the adult world older people see you as a threat.”

 

“Yeah my supervisor—or former supervisor—seemed like that.”

 

“Maybe they wish they were still young too and they see you doing a poor job of living out their fantasies of what they used to be, or what they wished they had been.”

 

“You have neither youth nor age, but an after dinner sleep, dreaming of both.”

 

“Wow. Deep.”

 

“Shakespeare. The only thing I learned in college was random Shakespeare quotes that impress a few and infuriate most. But yeah, like young people spend all their time wanting to be older, old people spend all their time wanting to be younger. I think that’s what he meant.”

 

“So we never feel happy with the age we are. We always want to hit rewind or fast forward, never play.”

 

“Yeah, when you’re young you are poor and dream of being rich. When you’re old you’re rich, dreaming only of being young.”

 

“Our lives are like looking into telescopes. We see things that are light years in the past.”

 

“Like old people see the present through the past. But there’s no stars for young people. We never see the future disguised as the present when we look into the sky.”

 

“Youth has no star!”

 

“We’re deep.”

 

“What’s in this milkshake? I guess we solved everything.” 

 

“Well Clara I almost went to see Phish this weekend in Maine. Bunch of dank dudes camping in a tent. Probably a lot of shrooms. Drunk guys planting a kiss on your cheek if things really turned horrific. I think I made the right choice.” 

 

“Aww….thanks?”

 

“That’s the best compliment I’ve ever paid anyone in my life.”

 

“You might need to work on that.”

 

“I knew it.”

 

“Oh and you were right. I almost didn’t show up this morning.”

 

“I gave it a 50/50 chance. Maybe 40/60. But I’m glad you did.”

 

We finished our shakes.

 

“Well, Colin. I’m tired. But this has been fun.”

 

“Best milkshake of my life. And I’ve been to the A&W place at Westfarms Mall.”

 

“Me too! My friend and I used to go there.”

 

“Well, let’s have another one before I leave Storrs behind for the second time. My dad is searching for a lonely one bedroom apartment for me in Vernon as we speak.”

 

“That’s so sad.”

 

“Will you come visit me?”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“Well how about doing something before I go into permanent exile?”

 

“Okay. But I can’t the rest of this weekend.”

 

“How about Monday? I usually sit in front of the TV and watch the Red Sox. If that’s not exciting for you, you have to lower your standards.”

 

“My heart is pounding with anticipation.”

………………………………… 

My roommate Paige and her boyfriend Brad ate popcorn on the couch and watched The Golden Girls. 

 

“Where did you go? On a date?”

 

“No. I just went to the Dairy Bar with this guy I knew from the dorms.”

 

“So a date.”

 

“He’s just a friend.”

 

“Did you lick his cone?”

 

Brad was an idiot.

 

“Ewww, Brad. You’re an idiot!” Paige observed, punching him.

 

“We had milkshakes, Brad. No cones. And he actually knows how to operate a straw.”

………………………………………

I drove to Carriage House on Monday at 7:30. Itt was already starting to get dark. After a few days of cool weather, the heat and humidity came back. It felt like the hottest day of the summer.

 

Colin had a giant fan blowing in the living room. A large kid peered in the door.

 

“Hey Col. Why didn’t you go to Phish?”

 

“Hey Evans. I don’t know. I was broke. How was it?”

 

“Good, dude. They played The Beastie Boys’ Sabotage! It was sick!”

 

“Sorry I missed it.”

 

He left.

 

“Did you go to any other concerts this summer?” I asked. 

 

“I went to Allman Brothers and Dave Matthews. Those were….. interesting. You?”

 

“I went to The Lilith Fair.”

 

“Oh who played this year again?”

 

“Sarah McLaughlin. Natalie Merchant. Bonnie Raitt. Um, Tracy Bonham. Suzanne Vega.”

 

“See? I like all of them! Well Sarah McLaughlin is maybe a bit too…..well scrubbed for me, but she’s pretty good. I might have gone but the guys here would rather get caught wearing Guess jeans.”

 

“But you’re more evolved than that?”

 

“Well…..everything is relative.” 

 

Bill Clinton was on TV.

 

“Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life…..still I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private…. ……began with private business dealings…..the independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life…..but it is private…..even presidents have private lives…it is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives….”.

 

“Did you watch the Inaugural Ball on MTV? When Michael Stipe and Natalie Merchant danced?” Colin asked. 

 

“Yes. And they sang To Sir, With Love?”

 

“Yeah. What happened to that?”

 

“You mean it didn’t seem like we’d all have to be so worried about privacy anymore?”

 

“Yeah that’s it.”

 

“Hope and change is now guilt and privacy?”

 

“Ahhhm from a place called Privacy.”

 

“Privacy, Arkansas?”

 

“You never know. It might exist.”

 

“My supervisor worships Bill so he still has one admirer.”

 

“I’m sure he does. Does every guy become a boss just to find his Monica? Give Bill a truth serum and this would have been a nationally televised high five.”

 

“His poll numbers would skyrocket.”

 

“Hey Al, Ken Starr is the office dweeb who only wishes he could run afoul with human resources.”

 

“Slick Willie.”

 

“It’s really hot. Want a cold drink?”

 

“What do you have?”

 

“Ummmm……well, I think we have beer. Gatorade. And possibly running tap water but I’ve never tried it.”

 

“What a selection. I’ll have a beer.”

 

We both had Harpoons.

 

“I wish Carriage House had a pool. Maybe by 2030,” Colin said.

 

“UConn 2030. I don’t have one either. It would be a nice night for a swim.”

 

“Have you ever gone to Crystal Lake?”

 

“Is that a real question?” 

 

“But at night?”.

 

“No.”

 

“I went a few years ago with an Ellington group. No fence, it’s so easy.”

 

“You’re not suggesting we go tonight?”

 

“Isn’t it only a 15-20 minute drive?”

 

“Actually I lied. I went at night a few years ago. With Tina Lacey, Ryan Cowan……”

 

“See? I knew you were a trespasser!”

 

“Alright fine, let’s go.”

 

He went upstairs and changed into his bathing suit and we drove to Coventry Lake to get mine. So quite the roundabout route.

 

Crystal Lake was off Sandy Beach Road. Two lights shined in the parking lot, but there were no cameras and no fence. The beach had a lifeguard tower. The raft was about 40 feet from shore. It was supposedly a hot spot for the rich up until The Depression (no cars to drive to The Cape or the shoreline?) It was pretty spartan and middle class these days. We sat on a beach towel I brought from my car.

 

“Look at that moon. Or….can you see it?” I said. 

 

“Yes. I can see big things far away better than small things close by.”

 

A waning, banana shaped crescent moon, partially obscured by clouds, faintly reflected onto the black water. The lake was shaped like a slightly elongated fish with its tail off into the distance. It was dead quiet except for crickets and the occasional passing car.

 

“It’s so beautiful like this,” I said.

 

“Yeah. Did you ever hear those stories growing up about Jason from Friday the 13th haunting Crystal Lake?”

 

“Yes. You’re suggesting a serial killer in a hockey mask might murder us at any moment?”

 

“No! Okay, sorry forget I mentioned it. Plus nothing bad ever happens on Monday The 19^th”

 

“I feel better—I guess.”

 

“Clara…..it’s. I don’t know. It’s good to be here with you.”

 

“I feel the same, Colin!”

 

“Thanks for giving me a 12^th chance!“

 

“Stop.”

 

Silence. Crickets chirped.

 

“I remember when you knocked on my dorm door one Saturday night. I think you were wearing a black sweater. Actually I know you were wearing a black sweater.”

 

“Was I?”

 

I had no idea.  

 

“I think another girl was with you. Bodyguard?”

 

“Totally.”

 

“Wow I’ve come so far. You trust me without a third party. In the dark.”

 

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

 

“Sorry. I should have talked to you more when you lived upstairs. Instead of writing stuff on your door. And…voicemails I guess.”

 

“When you told me you loved me?”

“What!? Me? I was actually trying to dial Leanne’s number.”

 

“Oh GOD!”

 

“She was actually kind of the worst. I hated her but I didn’t know why.”

 

“Get in line.”  

 

“You were friends with Mr. Twisted Steel. I figured I just couldn’t compete with that kind of sex appeal. And you said Paige Cappadocia a was in a fashion magazine. I was like I’m far too deep and sophisticated for that. I’ve since realized I’m a fucking moron.”

 

Hard to argue with that.  

 

“No comment.”

 

“Did you ever go to parties on Green Road in high school or were you way too classy for that? I come from rough burnout stock.”

 

“No, I went once. I threw up.”

 

“You too?”

 

“And I got scared. The police showed up and broke it up.”

 

“They were only a nuisance. Made you put out the fire, toss you beer. Then everyone drove back 20 minutes later.”

 

“I even smoked pot but not in high school. At a Delta Chi party. I also almost threw up.”

 

“Wow, ballerinas are not all they appear. Did you know Dave? Asian kid on my floor? We took so many bong hits I felt like a hallow chocolate Easter bunny. Literally thought I was going to die.”

 

“Just say no.”

 

“Nancy Reagan was right all along.”

 

“You should have brought your guitar.”

 

“I know. But I kind of suck.”

 

Well he did kind of suck in the dorms.

 

“….but I think I’m better than in the dorms.”

 

“Do you sing?”

 

“No. I mean I’ve been trying to learn but…..no.”

 

“Oh stop it. Can’t you sing to me?”

 

“Out of the question.”

 

He took a large sip of beer.

 

“Chicken?”

 

“Yes. I sound like a dying animal. Lou Reed after a tonsillectomy.”

 

“That good? Now I HAVE to hear you.”

 

“I think I hate you. Okay…..um, what song?”

 

“Surprise me.”

 

“Are you just into dance music?”

 

“I like all kinds.”

 

“How about REM? Don’t Go Back To Rockville?”

 

“Rockville, CT?”

 

“It can’t be. And who wouldn’t go back there? Where else do Ellington kids get their weed?”

 

“I guess you’re right.”

 

“Wait…..what about Oasis? Live Forever?”

 

“I love that song.”

 

“Great!”

 

“But just like…..a capella like this?”

 

“Think of it this way: it can’t be worse than an attack from Jason. So it’s bound to be perfect.”

 

“Okay…..”

 

Another big sip.

 

Three false starts. Then he sung the sung.

 

It actually wasn’t bad. Not great—but not bad.

 

“That was good!”

 

“You don’t have to lie.”

 

“It was!”

 

“What about you? Your turn.”

 

“Forget it. I can’t sing. I’m the dancer.”

 

“How about a dance then?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay. Can I be honest with you?”

 

“This again?”

 

“No, it’s nothing. So the last time I was here with Dale Packard and Sean Tr1ask and Alana Aiello and Shannon Richard and—never mind, a few others. We, um, actually didn’t have any bathing suits.”

 

“Oh that’s really sad.”

 

“It was. So we had to go in without them.”

 

“Thank God we’re not in that predicament.”

 

“Totally!”

 

Crickets.

 

“But it was kind of fun, actually”.

 

“What?”.

 

“You know….skinny dipping. The water feels so nice.”

 

“Colin…..”

 

“Besides, I’m blind. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I can’t see shit. Plus it’s dark. Darkness upon darkness. And the moon is barely out!” 

 

“No way.”

 

“Wait, WHO’S THERE!? Where are you? Where am I? I need a seeing eye dog.”

 

“Haha”.

 

“Just thinking out loud”. 

 

“Actually as long as we’re being honest, we went skinny dipping too when I came here at night.”

 

“See? Is there anyone who HASN’T gone skinny dipping here? Obviously this is old hat for both of us. Plus I just sang a cappella to you which I’ve never done with another human ever. I don’t want to say you owe me but… Listen, I’m the one who should be worried here. Which one of us has 20/20 vision? Think of how vulnerable I am right now. If you think President Clinton is the only one who cares about privacy, you couldn’t be more wrong”.

 

“Okay, okay. Maybe. But if you look, I’m leaving you here to hitchhike home.”

 

“Deal.“

 

“And I’m taking your clothes with me. And if cops show up I will never speak to you again.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

We got undressed and quickly ran to the water and splashed in. On this tropical night, the water felt like a cool gentle caress.  

 

“Oh my God this really is so nice,” I said, treading water.

 

“Yeah it’s great?”

 

We swam for a couple of minutes. He was trying to look away! He even swam in the opposite direction. I swam to the raft. And, why not? I climbed up and laid down.

 

“Come to the raft.”

 

“I’m not sure if I can.“

 

“Why?”

 

“Never mind.”

 

“Oh come on!”

 

“Okay.”

 

We laid on our backs and gazed at The Big Dipper.

 

His eyes fixed straight up.

 

“Oh it feels so nice now. Much cooler,” I said.

 

“I know. It does,” he said, his voice wavering.

 

“Colin.”

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I don’t care if you look.”