Bread And Circuses

Have you ever wondered whom or what is running your life? Is it the government? You conscience? Your significant other? Your children? Your parents?  Apple Inc.?

Close. 

It's bread. 

Or, if we want to get technical: grain.

I live within a mile of about a billion restaurants. For convenience sake, let's skip the five-star sit-down places with guys in golf shirts discussing NASDAQ prices. (D-Baggers and Sand Baggers--a reality show before its time?) Let's just look at the fast food places. Dunkin Donuts: doughnuts and bagels---made from bread. Bruegger's Bagels: made from bread. Ah but I have a ma and pop diner and a breakfast serving deli where you can get an omelet with home fries or bacon and eggs----with a side of toast. But what about lunch and dinner? There's a Cosi--sandwiches (with bread) but you can get Big Salads! With......rustic or whole grain bread no one can refuse. There's about 5 pizza places---made with dough from bread. There's two taco and burrito joints---made from corn. There are three high end burger places: using buns made from bread. Or what about Chinese? No bread! But.......there's rice.....another cereal grain like wheat and corn. 

All the headlines say meat eating is the devil's handiwork and fruits and vegetables are God's ambrosia. But which food group is the most deeply ingrained? (Pun intended). Think of it this way: could a person swear off fruits and vegetables? Half of America already seems to have perfected that feat. Could a person swear off meat? Relatively easily. Get anchovies on your pizza instead. Have a turkey burger! Sell veggie burritos out of you tie-dyed van to stoned hippies outside Phish shows!  But who eats pizza without the crust? Who eats a burrito without the, you know, burrito wrapping. Who eats a burger without the bun? 

That's right: no one. 

"But that's because everyone eat unhealthy", some would say. "Eat better and it's easy! Try some oatmeal, maybe a little brown rice, or how about some barley soup on a cold rainy day like this?

Grains, grains, grains.

Oh well. Who needs food anyway when you have beer? Cheers!

What? Really? Oh.......yeah. Beer is made from barley. (Or if it's a watery American beer: corn or rice). If you swore off all bread you would have to give up beer and become a yuppie equity insurance managing wine tasting guy named Gary!

See what I mean when I say grains run our lives?

But folks, it runs even deeper than that. Why aren't we all out hunting wild boars to bring back to the campfire for our clan's nightly dinner instead of gathering around our mobile devices to read this incredible blog? Why do we have this thing called civilization? Hint: Miss Manners and bow ties have nothing to do with it. Our prehistoric ancestors figured out how to grow edible grain. Whether it was corn in the Americas, wheat in the Middle East, or rice in Asia, the story was the same: grain agriculture created civilizations. It became a more stable means of obtaining a reliable source of food which allowed people to settle down in farming villages to lead a quieter life so they could invent alphabets, religion, and the slinky. Then they got bored and banned dancing. I mean all roads lead back to grain fields!

Now here is the debate among nutritionists--of which I am obviously not: was the dawn of agriculture a slam dunk success or a mixed blessing? In many ways, agriculture was humankind's first great stroke of genius. (Okay, fans of 2001: A Space Odyssey would say it was our 2nd great stroke of genius). Life had always been the struggle for food, but now it wasn't just a struggle to find food but an opportunity to create food even when none could otherwise be found. Wild cereals are not edible. People had to figure out a complicated process through trial and error before they could convert wild grains into edible wheat, barley, corn, rice, etc. But when the experiments paid off, humans took control of their own destiny for the first time. From the raw materials of nature, they created a food not found in nature that was cheaper and easier than finding edible fruits and vegetables or scary animals to shoot who just might eat you before you could roast them over a fire. Processed foods didn't start with TV Dinners and Skittles, they started about 10,000 years before the birth of Jesus with edible grains. 

BUT, like fast food and TV dinners years later, did we sacrifice nutrition for convenience? Grain stabilized human life, but was the human body happier? Does the body really crave man-made edible grains or does it only tolerate them? Are our bodies naturally best tuned to naturally pre-made, ready to eat foods like apples, broccoli, and chicken breasts?  

If you listen to many food experts, absolutely not. If anything, meat is the problem. There's this cranky preventative medicine doctor on my local public access station. In between discussions about the latest new wonder drug from your friends in the pharmaceutical industry and the importance of going to the doctor 87 times per year for 88 different tests (with preventative medicine like that, who needs Dr. Frankenstein?) he likes to say meat is going to kill you dead. Tomorrow. So knock it off! Human biology is built for plant eating. I've never heard him say a bad thing about Wonder Bread!

But here's where a funny thought occurs to me: maybe grain farmers just have a better union than swine?

Okay, but what about the butchers? Don't they have a union? Sure, but aren't those boys pretty expendable? I mean couldn't you get any ex-con with a cobra tattoo to wack them over the head with a mallet? But farming takes some skill and patience. They depend on rain at the right time and sunshine at the right time--which makes them pray to God, which makes them civilized. Farming created civilization and the psychology of farming stabilized it. (And may have also created religion. And religious leaders may have done a little PR work right back at grain farmers: "Give us this day our daily bread". Who are they fooling!?). But bow and arrow toting hunters or hammer wielding pig slaughterers are instruments of fate, not servants of it. They depend on no one. They are dangerous! A threat to tranquil village life everywhere. So let's favor the farmers.

Is it possible this is (indirectly) why grains are rarely vilified? It's always the burger's fault, never the bun! Me? I don't know. I'm not a doctor. And no two doctors seem in agreement on this. But conspiracy theory lover that I am, it's at least an interesting question to ask whether job protection has influenced our perceptions of foods throughout history.  Again, grain farmers, not Gods or kings, are the creators of civilization, so is painting them as the enemy biting the hand that feeds us---no pun intended this time. As farmers have always represented a vital segment of every society's workforce, has there always been an attempt to protect them by protecting the idea of bread as a healthy staple food? And isn't harvesting grain in the cool autumn breeze so much more tender and bucolic than some jerk beating animals to death in a dark, dirty slaughterhouse? Who cares about those psychos??

And does job protection skew our modern perceptions of food and health in other ways? These days the mad scientists aren't the converters of wild grains into bread, but those who convert chemical debris into Coca-Cola and Fruit Roll Ups. Doesn't our government protect them too? The words "organic" is regulated by the government but the word "natural" is not. You can say a Twix bar is made from pure, all natural coca leaves and no one can stop you. Basically, if it says "natural" on the box. it's unnatural. But if no one notices or cares and buys it anyway.....

So while farmers and food chemists are skilled workmen who need protection, why protect comparatively unskilled hunters or planters? 

All of this is probably BS. But you have to admit: it would make a pretty good Dan Brown novel. Unhealthy food takes skill to make, healthy food requires less skill. So unhealthy food is promoted or protected even at the cost of your life!

Or maybe not. Ah forget it! Are pancakes and beer a good choice for dinner?