The Friend Zone

Well have I really joined that sub-species of mammals known as Internet Bloggers? Say it isn't so.

I just saw an ad on Facebook entitled "Ask Her Three Questions" with the caption, "You'll get her every time. Escape the Friend Zone and get her addicted to you. Click here to learn a "Simple Trick" to read her mind".

I clicked. But I didn't read it.

Mind reading tricks? Wow. It turns out love is even more like Inception than I thought. I must be dreaming! Or is this reality? Where's my totem?

Call me a hopeless romantic but I'm not QUITE cynical and jaded enough to buy into mind reading a way to a girl's heart, but this does raise the age old issue: The Friend Zone conundrum. I don't want to say guys are shallow, but if you took a poll asking single guys worldwide whether they would prefer a money-in-the-bank method to escape the dreaded Friend Zone with a girl of their choice or feed starving children in sub-Saharan Africa, let's just say Bono wouldn't need to worry about finding new material for his speeches at U2 shows. Of course this demonstrates not only many guys' moral bankruptcy but their shortsightedness as well when you consider feeding millions of starving children would be a dynamite way to fly out of the Friend Zone labyrinth faster than Daedalus flew from the minotaur. Eradicating world hunger is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

But what a deadly maze the Friend Zone is! Clearly it's the work of Satan himself. Now I know what you're thinking, "You're a guy so you hate The Friend Zone because you see women as merely sex objects you sexist degenerate dirtbag!". Ladies, ladies, SO not the case. And not all male-female friendships are by definition Friend Zone scenarios. But the FZ is pure evil for both men and women. It's not a relationship--as the guy wants it to be--and it's not a friendship--as the girl wants it to be. What is it? An arrangement? A game? A game of mutual manipulation, false half-promises, and emotional blackmail that only leads to mutual anger, frustration, and bruised egos? Other than that, it's pretty sweet.

Part of the problem lies in the simple fact that men and women are.......well, different. We're not only different anatomically, chromosomally (probably not a word) and hormonally, but we are socialized differently which in turn gives us different sets of priorities and needs when it comes to the opposite sex. For example, here is a conversation that would never take place between two guys:

DUDE: Yo bro, my phone is BLOWING UP. The ladies just can't stop calling me!
BRO: Word. The honeys are on yo jock?
DUDE: Fo real.
BRO: Well, just make sure you wrap it.
DUDE: Um, so I take it you don't mean wrap my gifts of carnations and scented candles?
BRO: Stop playin'. I mean when you hit that.
DUDE: Well, actually I'm not sleeping with any of these ladies.
BRO: Ohhhhhhh. So they've Friend Zo----
DUDE: See I don't look at that way at all. ANY guy could sleep with them. But these girls are getting NO sexual satisfaction from me but they STILL want to hang with me. That shows what an awesome personality I have. It proves how intelligent I am. I feel so special. So.....validated!
BRO: Oh.........kay. You're not gay, right?
DUDE: No! But I'm not a piece of meat! When girls tell me about how their emotionally distant fathers have given them trust issues in relationships and that's why they gravitate towards emotionally unavailable unemployed alcoholic drifters, it's special. Who needs raw animal lust when you have such deep emotional intimacy? It's spiritually uplifting for me.
BRO: Wow! I see what you mean. Just let relationships evolve naturally. Don't let women trap you in The Slut Zone!

Conversely, I'm pretty sure this conversation has never, ever taken place between two female BFF's........

GAYLE: Hey girl? How are things between you and Pete? He seems really sweet.
OPRAH: If I wanted sweet I would watch Love Actually. All Pete wants to do is talk about his feelings! What does us sleeping together have to do with feelings? Just take off your pants and don't speak.
GAYLE: Maybe he sees you as his soul mate.
OPRAH: Soul mate? Right. And Santa Clause and The Tooth Fairy are real. Call me when the spaceship lands.

(On second thought, maybe such conversations do happen between women).

But it's quite simple really, even primordial, if you will. Women are generally physically weaker than men. But we wanted to create a civilization. So we set up a rule to balance things out. This means women CHOOSE to have sex while men are The Chosen Ones. Scoring is an accomplishment for a guy, a victory, an overcoming of the odds, a check mate on the chess board of life. For women? Not so much. There's no overcoming of odds involved. In fact giving it out too freely is seen as shameful. So for a woman it seems the real victory--especially if she is young and attractive--is to NOT be seen as purely a sex object. Hence platonic friendships are victories for women--and crushing defeats for men.

Well, okay. Not ALWAYS. Friendships with women are great if women are a) married, b) engaged, c) in a serious and happy relationship, or d) devastatingly unattractive. There is no confusion in those situations and it's safe. But here is the problem: the women who seem most interested in Friend Zone relationships are the ones who are single or involved in unstable relationships. The guys most willing to gamble on entering the shark infested waters of The Friend Zone are usually single and........single. The woman's life circumstances increase her need for an emotional void to be filled. But this very need confuses the guy. The hapless young single, lonely guy interprets his void filling as something vaguely resembling love or at least the seeds of it. Wishful Thinking--the Cain to The Friend Zone's Abel--rises to the surface. The guy thinks he has a chance.

He has no chance.

And why should he have a chance? Women are often accused of leading the guy on just enough to keep him trapped in The Friend Zone. But guys lead women on in FZ situations by pretending they are happy and content with platonic friendships to validate them. Lies, lies, more lies. If a FZ trapped guy says, "Wow. I can almost see inside your soul right now", he's actually thinking, "Wow. I can almost see inside your blouse right now". Both guy and gal are misleading each other. Not exactly a foundation to build a healthy, happy relationship based on mutual trust and understanding, is it? And forget relationships. Friend Zones aren't friendships. Actual friendships involve two people who ask nothing from each other. They just enjoy each other's company. But quite to the contrary, Friend Zones are always filled with ulterior needs, motives, and hidden agendas on one or both sides. The girl wants validation, the guy wants to go skinny dipping with her after splitting a 12 pack of Corona Extras.

So let's consider a Constitutional Amendment banning Friend Zones. They are more dangerous than The Green Zone in Baghdad. The only way to get out is to never get in!

Of course if you DO try to escape from the FZ as Facebook suggests. I recommend one of two methods. First the Billy Joel method:

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real

(WARNING: this method has a 92% chance of failing if you're not a millionaire rock star piano man).

Or follow the counsel of those sensitive and insightful relationship experts ZZ Top:

I gotta gal she lives on the hill
She won't do it but her sister will

I don't have a future ahead of me as a self-help expert, do I?